3 min read writing

ICE Cold Call

ICE Cold Call

ALEX: Hello?

RECRUITER: Hi there! Is this Alex? I’m calling on behalf of U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement with an exciting federal career opportunity.

ALEX: Is it the opportunity to tell you to go fuck yourself?

RECRUITER: Ha! No, no. Look, I get it—people have opinions about us. But we’re not the cartoon villains the media makes us out to be. We’re about integrity, service, and national security. . .

ALEX: . . . and abduction, torture, family separation, and forced hysterectomies.

RECRUITER: Those are outdated narratives. The new ICE is about smart, efficient border management. We don’t make the law—we just enforce it.

ALEX: lol. what?

RECRUITER: I’m not here to debate policy. I’m here to let you know ICE is growing—massively. We’re now the largest federal law enforcement agency in U.S. history.

ALEX: Why?

RECRUITER: Bigger budget means better tools, more training, competitive salaries. You’d be part of a team making a real difference.

ALEX: So you're looking for well-compensated cogs for your well-funded deportation machine?

RECRUITER: We call it "preserving the rule of law." And protecting American jobs.

ALEX: And concentration camps?

RECRUITER: We believe in strong borders, Alex. And with $45 billion over the next few years, we finally have the resources to do this thing right. That’s more than Israel spends on its entire military. It’s about order. Safety. Structure. A Secure Future for our Children.

ALEX: You’re describing fascism, Greg.

RECRUITER: I’m describing a career. One with stability, purpose—

ALEX: Genocide is not a career path.

RECRUITER: Whoa, now that’s a little extreme.

Alex:

RECRUITER: We’re not monsters.

ALEX: Yes, you are.

Who Joins ICE?

Core Profiles

  1. The True Believer
    Raised on fear and nationalism. Believes they’re defending the country. Sees the badge as a calling, not just a job.
  2. The Career Bureaucrat
    Knows how to navigate systems. Not especially ideological—just wants to move up, stay safe, and keep things running.
  3. The Economic Recruit
    Comes from a place with no good options. Federal job means housing, healthcare, maybe a future. Morality takes a backseat to survival.
  4. The Social Climber
    Watches which way power is moving and gets in early. Craves status, control, and visibility. Sees ICE as a fast track.
  5. The Coerced Collaborator
    Didn’t want this. Maybe they got fired, cornered, threatened, or had no real choice. Doing the work to avoid something worse.

Fringe Profiles

  1. The Reborn Sinner
    Trying to prove loyalty after a fall from grace.
  2. The Detached Technician
    Doesn’t care what ICE does—just wants to work on the system.
  3. The Spectacle Chaser
    Wants action, gear, a sense of being part of something big.
  4. The Co-Opted Outsider
    From a targeted group. Believes playing along might offer safety.
  5. The Embedded Saboteur
    Joins to leak, resist, or protect from the inside.

2025 Budget Spike: Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) is set to receive nearly $28 billion, more than triple its 2023 budget of approximately $8 billion.

Largest Law Enforcement Budget: With this increase, ICE becomes the most heavily funded federal law enforcement agency, surpassing the FBI and DEA.

Funding Source: The expansion is part of a broader $170 billion allocation to the Department of Homeland Security over four years, approved after a prolonged Congressional standoff.

10,000 New Agents: ICE aims to recruit and deploy 10,000 new agents to operate in urban centers like Los Angeles, New York City, and other U.S. cities.

Private Detention Surge: The budget includes a doubling of detention space, creating a windfall for private prison corporations, which will handle much of the expanded capacity.

Surveillance Investment: Funds are also earmarked for AI-enabled surveillance towers, drone expansion, and increased border wall construction, particularly in high-traffic zones.

This scale of investment reflects a return to “maximum enforcement” immigration strategies, centered on detention, deportation, and deterrence, rather than asylum processing or legal pathways.

© 2025 Scott Holzman. All rights reserved. Please do not reproduce, repost, or use without permission.