18 Jul 2025 2 min read writing

Count Pellagra

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Dana: Okay, so—what if vampires aren't immortal bloodsuckers, but just... Europeans with a corn problem?

Alex: That’s the worst movie pitch I’ve ever heard.

Dana: Hear me out. In the 1500s, Europeans bring corn back from the Americas—but not the recipe.

Alex: What recipe?

Dana: The one that keeps corn from killing you.

Alex: Bold claim.

Dana: It’s called nixtamalization—an alkaline bath that unlocks niacin.

Alex: And if you skip that?

Dana: You get pellagra. A disease that makes you sun-sensitive, pale, aggressive, insomnia-ridden, with cracked lips, bloody mouths, and a craving for... weird things.

Alex: Like what?

Dana: Dirt. Ash. Blood. Whatever the body thinks might help.

Alex: You’re telling me a vitamin deficiency turned people into Draculas?

Dana: I’m saying they looked and acted a lot like the vampires in folklore. And it started right when pellagra outbreaks hit Europe, which peaked in spring—when food stores ran low and folks lived on mostly just cornmeal.

Alex: That’s... the same time as vampire folklore’s “St. George’s Day” stuff.

Dana: Exactly. Not “the undead rising.” Just malnutrition hitting right on schedule.

Alex: Let me get this straight. Pale? Check. Hates sun? Check. Can’t sleep? Check.

Dana: Hallucinations, mood swings, aggression.

Alex: …So the vampire myth is wrongly cooked corn?

Dana: Yes? And when people dug up "vampires," they often found cornmeal around their mouths.

Alex: So what kills vampires?

Dana: Superstitious people. And Limewater.

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